That’s where the BFF wants to go. That’s where she wants to move. That is so, completely, 180 degrees, polar opposite of my life now. I’ve never been there. I have no idea if I’ll like it. Our plan is to go visit around April and move at the end of summer. She’s going whether I go or not. I feel like this is a good opportunity. If I don’t move with her, I probably won’t ever move at all, because I don’t have the balls to go it alone. This is the thing: I’ve been stressing about the decision to move to the city hardcore since she brought up the offer.
First, because I’ve never been there and it is so different from anything I know. However, the fact that it is so different makes me excited. I want change. I don’t want to be stuck in this town doing the same thing. Everyone does the same thing. I want to be different. I want to make something of myself outside of this place. I’ve secretly always wanted to know what it was like to live there. I’ve never had neighbors. I’ve never been able to conveniently walk to anywhere I want to go. I want my own little apartment, a roommate (the BFF), to be able to do anything whenever I want. I’ve never had that freedom, that independence, to only have to take care of myself, to do whatever I want to do, no questions asked.
Second, it’s freakin expensive. My friend says you have to be ready and willing to work your ass off. Which I would be willing to do, if it was somewhere I really want to be. And that I won’t know until I go. My portion of rent there, would be twice what I was paying here. I was barely making it by, although I don’t think I was working quite full time either. The working hard thing doesn’t bother me, it’s the expenses. I don’t want to just be making it by. I want to be able to go out and enjoy the lifestyle I’d be working my ass off to live.
Third, my family. The thought of being so far away and not having them to call on scares the crap out of me. However, that’s also partly why I want to move. I need to learn to take care of myself, by myself. I need to make my own decisions without their opinions swaying me in a certain direction. I want them to only know the information I’m choosing to share.
I never had the going away to college experience, and that really bothers me. I feel like I missed out on a lot (which maybe I haven’t). I want the challenge of taking care of myself, the responsibility. I want to find myself, and I don’t feel like I can do that here. There are too many things influencing me to live a certain lifestyle, to be a certain way. And that life may be the life I want, but at this point in my life I’m not sure if it is, and how will I know unless I get away from it?
I’m a fighter. I’m a strong person. I need to make something of myself. I feel like I’m meant for more than what I would get from here. There are opportunities here, but they can only take you so far, and they’re all geared towards a certain direction. The fact that I may go over there and absolutely love it scares me almost as much as going over there and totally hating it. I think I could have an amazing life over there. The one I’ve been hoping to have my entire life. I would forever regret passing up this opportunity because I was too scared. If I go and don’t like it, big deal I can come home. I really want the experience, to learn from it, see something new, try something new. It’s everything that excites me about it, that would drive me to go that scares me. How can I make up my mind?





