Adjusting.

Even the word is weird.  The action has become unbearably uncomfortable, emotional, confusing, and just an all around pain in my ass.  I handle change in moderation well.  I like the slow transition from one thing to another.  However, everything I know, have been used to and worked hard for for the past few years has taken a complete flip.  I’ve lost it all and now have to start over, completely.  I feel in over my head.  Surprisingly, I’ve been coping to these adjustments pretty well.

I’m not ready to spread the details of my break up to the entire internet world, but I do have things to say about it.  At first I was in total shock and completely heartbroken.  I had a constantly lump in my throat and an uneasy, fluttering, churning feeling in my stomach.  For the most part those feelings have passed, although I definitely do have my bad days and sad moments.  I don’t know if I’m feeling more at ease about it because I know it’s not the end or if it’s because I know it is the end.  He recognizes the things he didn’t put forth in the relationship and wants to work on them.  We have this connection that we can’t get past.  There is something deep there that bonds us together.  Even when we talk now, it almost feels as if nothing happened.  I can almost look completely past the past couple months and just enjoy the person he is and his company.  Which I feel is kind of dangerous considering what he put me through.  

On the bright side, I’m really liking my new job…so far.  (I don’t want to jinx it)!  The ladies I work with are all good company.  They are all very pleased with how quickly I’ve picked things up and are already teasing me that I’m never going to be able to leave!  It’s a job where you get rewarded for being a good employee and your hard work is highly appreciated.  I’ll eventually get benefits and paid vacation time.  This is the type of job that I have been searching for and wanting for a really long time.  It’s very family oriented, and there’s many perks.  I’m just glad I found a place where I fit in well and can really see myself being there for a long period of time.  

Living back at home sucks, but only on the weekends.  My dad and sister both work out of town during the week, so it’s just my mom and I.  That I can handle.  We actually keep ourselves busy in the evenings Wii boxing, taking walks, bike rides, running errands or going shopping.  My mom would be one of my best friends.  I’ve really been enjoying our time together and her company.  It’s been really nice having someone to turn to that I know I can trust, who will offer good advice (but not opinionated) with everything that’s been going on.  I go to bed at a decent hour and most days wake up by the sunshine before my alarm feeling ready for the day.  

I haven’t been blogging a lot because really I don’t have much to say.  My life has been pretty boring and very lonely lately.  As time goes on, things will get better and I’m sure I’ll have more to write about.  I’ve been keeping a low profile and haven’t really even been speaking with my friends.  I’m not sure I can trust the people I thought I could, and I feel some are just digging for information rather than offering their support.  Right now, I’ve just been, well…not really enjoying, but content with my loneliness and the freedom to do as I please (which hasn’t been much).  I think the worst is over and now it’s time to get back to work and focus on what I want for myself.  I have a long road ahead of me.  I’m in no hurry.  As far as possibly rebuilding the relationship, I’m taking it as it comes, one day at a time.  My feelings are so mixed up that it’s hard to say what I want, because at this point I really do not know.

Anyway, I just wanted to give my few faithful readers an update, and I hope everyone else is doing well!